4/17/2023 - Renewal

Ring. Ring.

The phone rings in the cleanest looking Pollo Bucket you’ve ever seen. This is obviously a commercial. It’s almost guaranteed the food shown on the counter is probably made from sponge and cardboard, there’s no way fried chicken ever looks that good, and the staff working there all look like they’ve just come out of a modelling agency, instead of spending six hours at school, or all morning in their parents’ basement. A young person in a Pollo Bucket uniform answers the phone. They’re overly cheerful and clearly have never really worked at a Pollo Bucket in their life.

“Thank you for calling Pollo Bucket. How can we serve you?”

“Why hello, my lovely,” a sweet feminine voice says on the other line. “We were wondering if you have any deals on at the moment?”

“Why, yes we do,” The young person smiles widely. It’s a cheesy “only people on television grin like that smile” that makes you just want to smack the taste out of their mouth. “Right now at Pollo Bucket you can get a ten piece bucket of our famous chicken, with four biscuits and a large order of fries for only $29.99.”

“Oh that is quite the deal,” the voice on the other line sings, “but we were hoping for something… more.”

“More you say?” The young person beams, their grease free skin and perfect complexion practically radiating on the screen. “Then maybe you’d prefer our twenty-five piece bucket. It comes with eight of our world famous, a large order of french fries and your choice of three large sides, for only $39.99. And for only six dollars more we’ll throw in two large bottles of your choice Pollo Pop and four collectible cups, featuring many of the biggest stars of Pollo Road!”

“Oh what a splendid offer, my lovely,” the voice on the other line chimed sweetly, “Absolutely SPLENDID.”

The scene changes from the restaurant to the inside of Hotel California. Lotte is the one talking on the phone and she is surrounded by Kalidah, two green-faced goblins, and several other creepy-looking individuals.

“Tell me, my lovely,” Lotte sings, “Do you do deliveries, personally? You have been such a help. We’d love to have you for dinner.”

Lotte throws her head back and laughs, and soon everyone around her is laughing as well. The horrible sound fills the air and the lights flicker menacingly.

Back in the restaurant, the young person grins that stupid grin of theirs.

“Thank you very much. We’ll have your order out in forty-five minutes, or your order is cold.”

We fade in on a child's bedroom where a mother is sitting bedside looking over her son who's wide awake in the bed.

"What's the matter, Timmy? Do you have troubles sleeping again?"

"I'm… I'm scared, mom. I'm scared that… he will show up and challenge me to a match." The boy looks around frantically. "I'm not a trained wrestler, mom. I'm just a boy. Why is he doing this?"

The mother tries to comfort him, with a sad look, as a voice over comes in.

"Does your child suffer from insomnia, anxiety, paranoia, delusions, depression, or similar symptoms that make your life as a parent difficult?"

The bedroom door kicks open and in comes Pollo Dorado II, with the Cruiserweight Championship around his waist and a packet of pills in his hand.

"Fear not! Cool-Pharms and Pollo Bucket proudly bring you Morphinol Kidz!"

Dorado hands the packet to the mother who holds it up as she looks into the camera and smiles.

"The tried and true recipe that has helped thousands of adults is now available to your child, to bring you the peace and quiet you deserve. And each packet comes with a fun action figure of one of your child's favorite Pollo Road wrestlers."

The mother hands a pill to the boy, as Dorado dives onto the boy with an elbow drop.

"Side effects include agitation, hostility, nausea, depressed mood, severe anxiety, insomnia, delusions, diarrhea and vomiting. Some children have allergic reactions to Morphinol Kidz, some of which can be life-threatening. Contact your doctor immediately if your child is dying. Ask your doctor if Morphinol Kidz is right for your child."

Dorado has the boy in a Torture Rack, as the boy smiles happily to the camera.

"I feel nothing."

The mother smiles.

"Thank you, Cool-Pharms."

Cool-Pharms
Putting the 'cool' back in 'taking drugs'

MASON MARVELLE
Ladies and gentlemen, here to make the special prematch declaration for tonight's championship bout is Pollo Road matchmaker, Mandeville Nelson!

MANDEVILLE NELSON
It is tonight here in Buffalo, New York that reigning champion Pollo Dorado II looks to make his second defense of the World's Cruiserweight Championship. Across the ring from him is his challenger, David Troy, who looks to bring this reign to a halt at 84 days. Tonight, these two men are vying for the highest honour in all of Pollo Road. May the best fighter win!

He shakes hands with both fighters and leaves.

MASON MARVELLE